****Disclaimer- This turned into a really long post of reflection and thought. So be prepared for lots of words and "thoughts" that I am growing and developing.***
Last week ended up being one of those weeks where nothing goes so wrong you can't make it through the day but you wake up each morning with a small sense of dread that nothing is going to go right- again and again. For the majority of each fail all I could do was laugh. I will admit tears were shed and sometimes that's what I needed but more often I just laughed until happy tears came. Friday night I took the last "Is this really happening?" the hardest. I was supposed to hang with a friend but instead stayed in, cried, watched a movie, and went to bed early knowing that I would wake up the next day and listen to General Conference and get to talk to my sister for as long as I pleased and be ok. And that's exactly what happened. I am so grateful.
My instagram collage from being stuck in a car wash for about 20 minutes one day and then getting a bucket of water dumped on me as we tried to get the soap off. One of the many "Seriously?" moments.
This week has been Fall Break from school and it has felt like a life-saver. Everyday has been a productive, fulfilling, fun, and relaxing day wrapped into one. Wrapped like a small present from Heavenly Father who knows I needed this. I needed a break from the chaos of life recently to re-center and re-focus. And it came at such a perfect time when I am fueled with love and hope and change from listening to the Prophet and Apostles and other leaders guide me in becoming closer to the Lord.
Visit to a local replica of a Japanese Buddhist Temple. So beautiful and peaceful. Can I do this kind of stuff everyday?
This week of time to have a conversation with my scriptures, not just read them, and my Heavenly Father and study and ponder and meditate and enjoy life instead of just live it has left me feeling rather --- deep. There's definitely some nostalgia in there as I check my countdown of how many days until I go home, look through the pictures of my brother and his family enjoying Disney World, and make plans for my family's trip to see me. I can't wait to be around my family again. I can't wait to hug those sweet babies and laugh with everyone. There is a sense of comfort and peace that is felt around the table after dinner when we are just sitting and laughing or playing some game, that I can not find anywhere else in my life. And I'm missing it bad.
It has also brought me back to a train of thought I keep coming back to since returning from Fiji. In Fiji there was no cell phone service, no TV (except Friday nights when we watched Cinderella and PowerRangers with the kiddos), and no light besides a flashlight hanging in a bucket once the sunset. The simplicity of that life brought me a happiness I have never experienced before. I was so happy, dare I say happier than I've been in a really really long time without one piece of technology. (Minus not getting to talk to my family- luckily I got to call them on the weekends in town.) Living this simple life brought me a real and true joy that was so fulfilling. I wasn't constantly checking my phone to see what everyone else was doing or turning on Netflix to pacify my brain - I was living in and enjoying every simple moment.
Some of the local animals that have brought a smile to my face this week. This peacock stayed at the Drive-thru window for quite some time and those were the biggest koi fish I have ever seen.
As soon as I came home I could feel that life slipping from my grasp and I was so sad but it felt like I couldn't stop it from happening. I thought about having the experience of living a happier life but returning back to the previous one because that's "just life". It was so unsatisfying. It was an almost out of body experience as I did things I didn't really want to do out of habit and slowly settled back into a crazy busy, technology stuffed life. I've thought a lot about what I can do to regain that happiness from Fiji while living in the life of an American. I deleted the extra games and Facebook on my phone to try and un-train myself from resorting to them in a moment of "boredom" and instead sit and think or look around and enjoy for a moment. This helped some but it still wasn't quite right.
And then this week I got a glimpse of that feeling. Everyday as I have gotten up and spent a big part of my day devoted to the Lord- learning about and serving him, grading papers at the beach, working out, running errands, and meditating I have been really really happy. Yes, I have watched Netflix and checked my Facebook but always in fleeting moments and always as an afterthought of doing other things. I have taken the time to make the things that bring me true peace and happiness and joy a priority and found a pretty good balance of the simple life without being a weirdo cave woman and denouncing technology all together. I have let it aid in my happiness at moments but not be the cause of it. (I don't know if that last sentence really makes sense but I don't know how else to write it.)
In Fiji. True. Real. Happiness.
Unfortunately this week is coming to an end and my internship will start up again next week and I will have to fight the priority battle harder but this week has given me a hope that I can do it. I can have that happiness from Fiji again. And if I do I will be so much happier. A real happiness. On my final thought, I have been reading the LDS book on recovering from addiction. (Thanks Cassie for sending it to me!) I have been reading it coming from an addiction to Food mindset but am learning so much about addiction and putting false happiness into my life to appease me but not fulfill me.
I am learning. And it is good. I am really happy.
sweet or tart?
Sweet. So sweet.
You're welcome!
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