Identity

I keep wanting to post some short fun posts about things going on in my life but there's not much of that going on right now. My daily routine is pretty much the same everyday and I'm in "fight senioritis / get this ish all done" mode right now.  I will post about my roommates beautiful wedding last week as soon as I can get a hold of some pictures.  It was so perfect for her and I'm so glad I get to love her.

Anyways, I do want to write about a discussion I had with my other roommate last night so this might be another wordy thoughtful piece.  Maybe that's just what I am- wordy and thoughtful. :)

She and I were talking about the many different cultures you experience if you live in Laie and attend BYUH.  It is one of the biggest blessings and most life-changing events to date for me.  We were also talking about how our identities are in many ways so similar to our parents and siblings and yet different.

She is Samoan, both parents from Samoa, was born and raised in Utah, and is LDS. She was telling me about the three identities she feels she has.  Her Samoan identity is so giving- so so giving as they are.  You give even if you go without knowing that it will come back to you from someone else giving.  It is beautiful and flawed.  Then, her American identity that has taught her to fend for herself and those very close to her first. To be independent and somewhat untrusting, but you always know you and yours are taken care of. It is beautiful and flawed.  Lastly, her LDS identity where she is more equal in giving to others and taking care of herself.  Where there is a good balance that can be hard to obtain.  It is beautiful.

I was telling her how growing up I was always more of a compassionate giver.  Someone needs a ride- I'll give it to them.  They can't afford some food- I'll buy it for them or invite them over to eat with us.  Someone needs a desk- we have an extra they can have. Although I know it was appreciated there are members of my family, a parent in particular, who is just as giving but not as trusting.  They didn't like me inviting maybe "rougher" friends over to partake in what we had at our home.  Don't get me wrong they would do anything they could to help someone out but they have a greater sense of _______. I can't think of the word. Not paranoia or distrust- safety maybe? I don't know for sure.  They would always just air on the side of "You can never be too safe" and I would air on the side of "I'm sure they're a good person and just need some help".

At time it left me feeling a little bit out of place.  Was this side of me that is different wrong? Or even dangerous and silly?

Recently a previous Young Womens President, who I think knows me well, was on the island and I got to meet up with her.  She told me in the few days she had spent in Hawaii, she just kept thinking how at home I must feel here.  Not only because I have always loved tan and brown skin which is everywhere here! but also because a lot of the locals and other Polynesians that live here are "like me". That side of me that gives even if I have to go without or maybe even gives too freely that didn't always fit with a lot of the cultural identities around me in the mainland- they are here and that part of me fits so well.

This was such a sweet small revelation to me last night to put this all together.  As I am making some big decisions in my life that some people don't understand or agree with it reminded me how aware I am of who I am. And parts of that might be different than the "norm" that people know and understand for themselves.  But I know me. And I know that my Heavenly Father knows me even better and is guiding me according to who I am and what I can do.

I love me. Beautiful and flawed.

*** Disclaimer- I know the identities I put related to certain cultures do not represent everyone in that culture. I know we are all unique and stuff :) That was just a very blanket minimal description.

Sweet or tart?
I'm a sweet Peach :)

Madame Ana

Although I kept a journal (but not a real great one) while I was in Fiji I keep telling myself I need to get on here and write of my experiences.  They changed me so much and I never want to forget them.  I am going to try and write more about my experiences there or things to do with Fiji here.

My feeling of nostalgia has still not left me and is turning into an overall sentimental-at-everything feeling.  It is only 57 days until my sisters will be here and I graduate.  This afternoon I wanted to be active but didn't want to go to the gym so I went to the beach and swam until the sunset. It was so beautiful.  And although I don't want to stay here forever for the first time a little piece of me felt sad I will be leaving.  Being able to go to the beach anytime I please is such a calming option I take for granted too often.

                                               
                                                          Tokasa and I

When I came home I started reading a blog about an LDS women with 5 children, one of whom has a disability. I ended up reading for a lot longer than I realized and found myself crying at her words.  Mostly about being with siblings, parents, and nieces and nephews.  Sometimes I wonder if my attachment to my family is weird and excessive.  I decided it's not. And even if it is I don't care.  My heart has been away from them for too long. I can not wait to go back and soak them in.

                                                               
                                                  Meroni and Vane

In my sentimental-I-miss-home mode I decided I would call Lakeba, my village in Fiji, and talk to Mone.  Much to my surprise my favorite class 7 girls answered the phone.  Tears sprang to my eyes to hear their voices.  They told me about their day at school and that the class 7 & 8 teacher is leaving next year and pleaded for me to come back.  They switched the phone so often I couldn't keep up with who I was talking to but I just kept saying "I miss you", "I just want to hug you", "Be good in school".  They quickly told me Mone was visiting the next village with Nana, his mom.  I told them I didn't care and I wanted to talk to them.  I could feel their smiles through the phone. They kept telling me I should come back to the village and marry so I could be with them forever and  we laughed and laughed.  They kept saying "Madame!" and I would say "yes? io?" over and over again. And then I would laugh because it was chaos and then they would laugh because "Madame you sound like a Fijian.  The whole village will know you called because you laugh so loud".  And then as we hung up they all started yelling "I love you Madame!!!".  My heart feels so full and empty. So full that I have had the opportunity to meet them, know them, and love them.  Those beautiful smiles who get up so early to do chores, study as hard as they can, shyly dance, and confidently play net ball, and accept people without judgment made me realize how great I could be. So empty because they are so far away.  I wish I could squeeze them tight and shake my booty with them right now. I wish I could give them the opportunities I and so many other girls have here in the states they will only ever dream of.

                                     
Me and my Diviti girl who told me on the second day- "Madame I have chose you to love the most. I know you will be my best Madame." What a honor to to have been chose by her. I love her so.

I am so grateful Heavenly Father gave me the tender mercy of getting to talk to them today.  It was just what I needed. A reminder of what and who really matters.  And an inspiration to one day become like them.

Sweet or tart?
Are my post always sweet? :)

Live. Fail or Succeed. Laugh. Try again.

****Disclaimer- This turned into a really long post of reflection and thought. So be prepared for lots of words and "thoughts" that I am growing and developing.***

Last week ended up being one of those weeks where nothing goes so wrong you can't make it through the day but you wake up each morning with a small sense of dread that nothing is going to go right- again and again. For the majority of each fail all I could do was laugh.  I will admit tears were shed and sometimes that's what I needed but more often I just laughed until happy tears came.  Friday night I took the last "Is this really happening?" the hardest.  I was supposed to hang with a friend but instead stayed in, cried, watched a movie, and went to bed early knowing that I would wake up the next day and listen to General Conference and get to talk to my sister for as long as I pleased and be ok.  And that's exactly what happened. I am so grateful.

                                                
My instagram collage from being stuck in a car wash for about 20 minutes one day and then getting a bucket of water dumped on me as we tried to get the soap off.  One of the many "Seriously?" moments.

This week has been Fall Break from school and it has felt like a life-saver. Everyday has been a productive, fulfilling, fun, and relaxing day wrapped into one.  Wrapped like a small present from Heavenly Father who knows I needed this.  I needed a break from the chaos of life recently to re-center and re-focus.  And it came at such a perfect time when I am fueled with love and hope and change from listening to the Prophet and Apostles and other leaders guide me in becoming closer to the Lord.

                          
Visit to a local replica of  a Japanese Buddhist Temple. So beautiful and peaceful. Can I do this kind of stuff everyday?

This week of time to have a conversation with my scriptures, not just read them, and my Heavenly Father and study and ponder and meditate and enjoy life instead of just live it has left me feeling rather --- deep.  There's definitely some nostalgia in there as I check my countdown of how many days until I go home, look through the pictures of my brother and his family enjoying Disney World, and make plans for my family's trip to see me.  I can't wait to be around my family again. I can't wait to hug those sweet babies and laugh with everyone.  There is a sense of comfort and peace that is felt around the table after dinner when we are just sitting and laughing or playing some game, that I can not find anywhere else in my life. And I'm missing it bad.

It has also brought me back to a train of thought I keep coming back to since returning from Fiji.  In Fiji there was no cell phone service, no TV (except Friday nights when we watched Cinderella and PowerRangers with the kiddos), and no light besides a flashlight hanging in a bucket once the sunset.  The simplicity of that life brought me a happiness I have never experienced before. I was so happy, dare I say happier than I've been in a really really long time without one piece of technology.  (Minus not getting to talk to my family- luckily I got to call them on the weekends in town.) Living this simple life brought me a real and true joy that was so fulfilling.  I wasn't constantly checking my phone to see what everyone else was doing or turning on Netflix to pacify my brain - I was living in and enjoying every simple moment.

                                     
Some of the local animals that have brought a smile to my face this week. This peacock stayed at the Drive-thru window for quite some time and those were the biggest koi fish I have ever seen.
            
As soon as I came home I could feel that life slipping from my grasp and I was so sad but it felt like I couldn't stop it from happening.  I thought about having the experience of living a happier life but returning back to the previous one because that's "just life".  It was so unsatisfying. It was an almost out of body experience as I did things I didn't really want to do out of habit and slowly settled back into a crazy busy, technology stuffed life. I've thought a lot about what I can do to regain that happiness from Fiji while living in the life of an American. I deleted the extra games and Facebook on my phone to try and un-train myself from resorting to them in a moment of "boredom" and instead sit and think or look around and enjoy for a moment.  This helped some but it still wasn't quite right.

And then this week I got a glimpse of that feeling. Everyday as I have gotten up and spent a big part of my day devoted to the Lord- learning about and serving him, grading papers at the beach, working out, running errands, and meditating I have been really really happy. Yes, I have watched Netflix and checked my Facebook but always in fleeting moments and always as an afterthought of doing other things.  I have taken the time to make the things that bring me true peace and happiness and joy a priority and found a pretty good balance of the simple life without being a weirdo cave woman and denouncing technology all together. I have let it aid in my happiness at moments but not be the cause of it.  (I don't know if that last sentence really makes sense but I don't know how else to write it.)

             
In Fiji. True. Real. Happiness. 

Unfortunately this week is coming to an end and my internship will start up again next week and I will have to fight the priority battle harder but this week has given me a hope that I can do it. I can have that happiness from Fiji again.  And if I do I will be so much happier. A real happiness.  On my final thought, I have been reading the LDS book on recovering from addiction. (Thanks Cassie for sending it to me!)  I have been reading it coming from an addiction to Food mindset but am learning so much about addiction and putting false happiness into my life to appease me but not fulfill me.

I am learning. And it is good. I am really happy.

sweet or tart?
Sweet. So sweet.