Skyping

In 10 days (9 in one hour) I will board a plan and fly back to my happy place.  10 days!  I am about to burst with happiness and so is CAB.  Which just makes me want to burst even more :)

Yesterday while skyping she was out of control. She kept hugging the computer and telling me she was squeezing me. She also asked me if she could have a full-body tickle.  A little ritual her and I have. It made me so happy that even after a year she remembers those and wants them.

But this was my most favorite quote of the conversation-

CAB- (Pointing at the camera like a bossy boss): Aunt Annie when you get back to this house you are never ever leaving again! Do you understand me?

That's the exact question my sis asks her when she is being very serious and making sure CAB understands. Oh melt my heart.  I can't wait to see the Charlottes and JD.


Also, this is my grandpa trying to figure out skype.  Isn't he the cutest? :)

sweet or tart?

That face. seriously sweet.

Bus Rides

Since my two last posts have been written in moments of intense emotion I thought it would be good to take a minute to also note the good- less emotional times.

So this morning I got up early and rode with some friends to Kaneohe, a town about 45 minutes away, to get fingerprinted for student teaching.  I had to ride the bus back because my friend needed to stay longer.  I enjoy the bus for the most part.  I had never ridden one before I came to Hawaii.  I like getting to look out the windows and ride but I LOVE the people.  You never know who you'll meet or what "state" they'll be in.

My bus ride this morning was awesome for 2 reasons. 1- It was my first time on a bus that has the expandable part in the middle that connects two buses.  That is where I sat and it was like I was on an amusement park ride. It was so trippy and I loved it.  2- Just like every other bus ride there had to be one crazy person.  It was a man who was dressed rather normal and smelled of the happy fragrances of Hawai'i aka wacky weed.  The whole ride he was yelling at random people, often calling them by a celebrities name, and taking everything out of his bag and putting it back in.  I had the honor of returning a few coins he dropped in front of me.  Unfortunately he did not call me a celebrity name when he asked me to get his coins, I really wanted to hear what he would say.  Anyways, toward the end of the ride he got a bag out of his bag.  His was treating it so tenderly and had its contents secured safely inside.  If you're thinking what I was thinking you will be shocked to know out came a Book of Mormon.  I was shocked.  I watched as he then carefully opened it and studied the pictures.  I didn't ask him if he wanted me to tell him the stories of the pictures but he did make an impression on me.  And although I don't know the particulars I decided I want to be more like the person that gave him that Book of Mormon, not judging just loving.

Unload

I have been in the weirdest mood.  (This sentence does not do my current mood or this post justice.  This is a rambling of things I need to get out.  In using this blog more as a journal these types of posts might show up more often.  Meaning I might also make it private.  I haven't decided yet.  But now you've been warned.  Continue only if you want to read my thoughts in an.... interesting? mood. ) 

 I feel like life is happening around me but I'm not a part of it.  I go through the motions. Up. Teeth. Hair. Clothes. School.  Work. School. Work. Work. Work.  Ice cream. Sleep.  Last week I was surprised by an ex with conversations of what-if's and maybes.  In trying to explain our relationship to my roommate all I could think was to tell her he was like sister close to me.  A man who was my best friend in high school.  High school= mom dying + dad remarrying= some pretty rough times.  It is the most shocking event of my life to date. (Post-edit- It's been almost a year since I wrote this and I just re-read it and laughed at myself.  Seriously this was not that big of a deal.  But apparently it was at the time :).  I'm so dramatic sometimes. haha)  Him calling that is.  High school, not high school itself, but the aforementioned events and all they entailed is definitely the saddest/hardest. My first and deepest love back to haunt me. I feel like since that call I have been walking lightly on my own life.  At first I thought I was so out of it because of the shock but in thinking this afternoon I realized it's almost like I'm staying on the surface because I'm afraid to go deep.  To let my thoughts and feelings go there.  To consider the what-if's and maybes.  I'm not even sure they should be considered.

Not to mention I have not seen my family in 11 months.  11 months.  At least once every 5 minutes I tell myself and usually whoever is around "____ days" (22 today!!!!).  And even though I remember when it was 70 and I thought that was forever 22 days seems like it might kill me.  I need those people.  No one seems to understand me quite like they do.  And my heart, mind, body, and soul can never seem to really come to a rest if I'm not around their reassuring arms.  I tried to explain it to somebody this week and it went horrible but it's like when I'm away from them I have to be strong for me. I have to hold it together.  I have to keep myself in check.  I have to be strong and smart and on top of it.  But when I'm with them I can just let it go because they'll help me do all that.  In the scriptures it speaks of bearing others burdens and they do that for me in a way I never fully comprehended until it was taken away. And I can feel it when I'm not as close and they can't help like I know they wish they could.

Not to mention there are only 12 days of classes left. 12 days what? Happy happy joy joy. And then there's projects and papers and tests.  Crap crap crap crap :).

Not to mention it's that time of the month. I should have just started with that.     

Not to mention I had been doing some great spiritual progressing.  Leaps and bounds people.  But even that feels like it hit a brick wall. I have been going deep.  Long conversations with the Lord and scriptures. Deep and I don't feel like I have it in me to go there anymore.  But I need to go there.  But I'm too tired and if I can't go THERE then I shouldn't go at all right.  Of course that's wrong- then why do I feel that way? This is how I get off the straight and narrow- I get tired.  And instead of balance and pacing I figure if I can't be all in I might as well be all out and that goes terribly.  Even typing this I realize that is my biggest battle that should receive all of my attention but...

Did I mention an ex called me last week and rocked my world and I miss my family a crippling amount and I have school to take care of?  Are you getting it now? This is the rotation my brain goes through every few minutes if you add in I want some chocolate and I wonder how much money is in my checking account.

I want to take a sleeping pill that will wake me in 22 days.  That will also get everything I need to done.  But this is the true beauty of things.  They don't make a pill like that.  So I will strive. dig deep. cry. laugh. sigh. struggle. work. ponder. push. Until I'm there. And then I will be stronger because I did IT! and each time I do It I fulfill my goal of:
Growing, changing, fixing, bettering, loving myself so I can help others grow, change, fix, better, and love themselves.  

And now I feel better because that is all out of me.  

Mahalo and good night.



Sweet or tart?

This post was long enough for a peach to go tart while reading.

I don't want to forget...

**Unfortunately I have not been keeping a journal lately.  But I want too.  And I was having a moment full of thoughts I never want to forget.  So here they are.  For anyone to read I guess but really so I can remember.**

At this moment I am sitting upstairs in the Ah Sue's home/ my home.  I am procrastinating writing a paper that needs to be done before I head to Mickey D's for work.  I am coming off of a high of Italian food, ice-cream, and lots of laughs with friends last night.  A happy night.  A night I needed.  I wanted to do something crazy.  I wanted to do something I shouldn't do.  I wanted to get my nose pierced. I love that my crazy is the norm for some people.  I decided I was going to do it.  It was no big deal.  And if not my nose definitely another ear piercing.  I know the Prophet said I shouldn't but at least I'm no longer doing the other bad stuff he said I shouldn't do.  Piercing crazy isn't really that bad. I can take it out when I'm over it.  The skin will eventually grow back over.  It's really not that big of a deal, right? And then in the last moments the lines from a blessing I received wouldn't stop coming to my mind. The words that I have been blessed with the gift of not only knowing when right is right and wrong is wrong but the blessing of having the desire to follow what I know.  And I knew that was wrong. In that moment I was faced with two desires- the desire to do something wrong and crazy and fun and what I "wanted" to and the desire to follow the Prophet in the small things and come closer to the Lord.  So I chose to go to Wally world and bought new bright lipstick. And the whole drive home this quote from Elder Holland's talk Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments that I love ran through my mind.   "self-control. And I submit to you that you will never be more like God at any other time in this life than when you are expressing that particular power." I had self-control last night.  Something I don't always have. I did it.  And it was still a fun night full of laughs and smiles and NO REGRETS.  I made memories I want to have.  

Then, just now, as I was reading blog posts from women I admire who I've never met- it hit me.  I don't have to change the world.  I just have to change me.  Change me into the best I can be.  Every day with my little choices.  And then use all those little good choices to make me strong, happy, and able to serve others.I don't have to fix everyone else's problems.  I just want to make someone smile everyday.  Make their day a little better.  Start with one person a day and hopefully as I grow and get fixed I can help more people grow and get fixed.  But that making one person smile- it's important and it's worth it.

This is what I want the rest of my life to be.  Growing, changing, fixing, bettering, loving myself so I can help others grow, change, fix, better, and love themselves.  

sweet or tart?

sweet.