Unload

I have been in the weirdest mood.  (This sentence does not do my current mood or this post justice.  This is a rambling of things I need to get out.  In using this blog more as a journal these types of posts might show up more often.  Meaning I might also make it private.  I haven't decided yet.  But now you've been warned.  Continue only if you want to read my thoughts in an.... interesting? mood. ) 

 I feel like life is happening around me but I'm not a part of it.  I go through the motions. Up. Teeth. Hair. Clothes. School.  Work. School. Work. Work. Work.  Ice cream. Sleep.  Last week I was surprised by an ex with conversations of what-if's and maybes.  In trying to explain our relationship to my roommate all I could think was to tell her he was like sister close to me.  A man who was my best friend in high school.  High school= mom dying + dad remarrying= some pretty rough times.  It is the most shocking event of my life to date. (Post-edit- It's been almost a year since I wrote this and I just re-read it and laughed at myself.  Seriously this was not that big of a deal.  But apparently it was at the time :).  I'm so dramatic sometimes. haha)  Him calling that is.  High school, not high school itself, but the aforementioned events and all they entailed is definitely the saddest/hardest. My first and deepest love back to haunt me. I feel like since that call I have been walking lightly on my own life.  At first I thought I was so out of it because of the shock but in thinking this afternoon I realized it's almost like I'm staying on the surface because I'm afraid to go deep.  To let my thoughts and feelings go there.  To consider the what-if's and maybes.  I'm not even sure they should be considered.

Not to mention I have not seen my family in 11 months.  11 months.  At least once every 5 minutes I tell myself and usually whoever is around "____ days" (22 today!!!!).  And even though I remember when it was 70 and I thought that was forever 22 days seems like it might kill me.  I need those people.  No one seems to understand me quite like they do.  And my heart, mind, body, and soul can never seem to really come to a rest if I'm not around their reassuring arms.  I tried to explain it to somebody this week and it went horrible but it's like when I'm away from them I have to be strong for me. I have to hold it together.  I have to keep myself in check.  I have to be strong and smart and on top of it.  But when I'm with them I can just let it go because they'll help me do all that.  In the scriptures it speaks of bearing others burdens and they do that for me in a way I never fully comprehended until it was taken away. And I can feel it when I'm not as close and they can't help like I know they wish they could.

Not to mention there are only 12 days of classes left. 12 days what? Happy happy joy joy. And then there's projects and papers and tests.  Crap crap crap crap :).

Not to mention it's that time of the month. I should have just started with that.     

Not to mention I had been doing some great spiritual progressing.  Leaps and bounds people.  But even that feels like it hit a brick wall. I have been going deep.  Long conversations with the Lord and scriptures. Deep and I don't feel like I have it in me to go there anymore.  But I need to go there.  But I'm too tired and if I can't go THERE then I shouldn't go at all right.  Of course that's wrong- then why do I feel that way? This is how I get off the straight and narrow- I get tired.  And instead of balance and pacing I figure if I can't be all in I might as well be all out and that goes terribly.  Even typing this I realize that is my biggest battle that should receive all of my attention but...

Did I mention an ex called me last week and rocked my world and I miss my family a crippling amount and I have school to take care of?  Are you getting it now? This is the rotation my brain goes through every few minutes if you add in I want some chocolate and I wonder how much money is in my checking account.

I want to take a sleeping pill that will wake me in 22 days.  That will also get everything I need to done.  But this is the true beauty of things.  They don't make a pill like that.  So I will strive. dig deep. cry. laugh. sigh. struggle. work. ponder. push. Until I'm there. And then I will be stronger because I did IT! and each time I do It I fulfill my goal of:
Growing, changing, fixing, bettering, loving myself so I can help others grow, change, fix, better, and love themselves.  

And now I feel better because that is all out of me.  

Mahalo and good night.



Sweet or tart?

This post was long enough for a peach to go tart while reading.