Breathe

Sometimes when I try to explain to people what the past couple years of my love life have been like we can connect. They've done long distance and understand or even better they've dated/married a foreigner.  But sometimes we miss each other- big time. They've never gone more than minutes without texting their love or see them daily. I keep coming back to the same feelings though...

It's like when I left Fiji on July 18th of last year I sucked in a huge gulp of breath. Inhaling every sweet tender moment together and plugging my nose to arm myself for many lonely moments in the future.  I returned to the states ready to defend our relationship to anyone who doubted and live life, which can be oh so very hard by myself. And while there has been doubting it has been meaningless and rarely expressed but life well, it's hard.   Making huge decisions alone, working through my concerns and fears feeling like everyone's watching with baited breath to see what will happen, feeling so so different from other people- almost like a fish in an aquarium. Still really trying to own who I am and my choices but feeling afraid of failure. So keeping it all in, no breathing- no losing any of my happy, just smiling and pretending.

And then after 8 months we finally learned step one was done and the process would quicken. I let out a teeny tiny breath that night. He would come sooner than later. And I would have a partner to show everyone, maybe myself included we can do this and hold my hand when it is hard.  Over the last 2 months I have exhaled more as I have been celebrated, supported, and encouraged by those I love.  All the while knowing he will be here soon, 2 weeks to be exact to breath the air I need, that somehow only he can give me, back into my soul.

I'm not saying I couldn't live without him. I could. And that's another post for another day but I couldn't live this life with this kind of happiness without him.  He fills me with an air of ease, humility, and simple love that if bottled would be priceless.  So I've been holding it in for 10 months- all that I gain from him, guarding it fiercely.

The thought of being able to "breath" again. In and out. Knowing that when I'm all out of his air I'll be able to turn over and breath it in again ready to face things head on instead of having to hoard and hide the happy.  It's almost unfathomable. Almost.

So in our first misunderstandings or first many misunderstandings or the many after that, I want to remember these moments.  When all I long to do is breath him and face this life together.