Brizzy

I haven't written in awhile for many reasons but a new season of life has left me wanting to pen some more of my thoughts and experiences so I am trying again.  With the expectation that I might not write again for a year and that's ok.

This morning I was woken by a wet and rough tongue licking my face. Well actually, at about 2 hour intervals the whole night this is how I woke up. Sometimes annoyed and sometimes unaware but always knowing-that's my girl.

I adopted a dog in October.  I was struggling with Momo not being in the US yet and my sister's new romance which left me alone at home many hours.  So I went with the coping method of going and paying for a new friend.  Her name is Brizzy.  She is an ugly weird looking dog, which I never knew until other people told me. It's how I know I have a real mother's love. She's part lab/pit/corgi/weenier/boxer/something.  She looks like one of those weird machines where you pull the lever and all the body parts come together and looks... She has a big dogs head, a long skinny body that only about 6 inches off the ground, her back legs are longer than her front legs, and her ears stick out like miniature wings. Her silhouette was once mistaken for a large bird.  But she's mine.

Within the first month she bit me. But I was already in too deep and kept her because I love her and we all make mistakes, right? I heard my sister tell someone that first month that she was saving my life. And really she did. When no one else "needed me" or was "there for me" (all untrue really but seemingly so in my head)- she is always there.

But as I groggily get out of the bed and wander up the hill outside of my house in the dark and cold  morning so she could have some outside time before I left for work I re-examined our relationship. And this dog is teaching me so much. And truly I think she's teaching me about being a Mama.

-It's the first time in my life I've ever been the sole person in charge. With nieces and nephews I learned a love I couldn't comprehend before but I could always give them back. And I knew their parents would buy their food and worry about all the little things.  Now I'm doing that---- for a dog. I'm all she has to take care of her and it is the most rewarding and exhausting feeling.
-Every day as I leave for work I tell her "I love you! I'll be back soon! I'm sorry". Sorry I have to go, sorry she is alone.  I'm pretty sure this is how I'm going to feel about my own kids- most days. Sorry I have to leave you with a sitter. I love you.
-Each time she wakes me up in the night to potty, or snuggle, or clean my face, or just let me know she's there. I sometimes begrudgingly get up or swat her away and others pull her in close to nuggle and love but always I know she loves me and I love her.

-When she tries to attack and destroy every other living animal on this planet. IT. GIVES. ME. MAJOR. STRESS. I can hardly take her outside without feeling anxious she's going to get in a fight. And when she has I come home and cry at the thought of having to let her go because she's nuts. How nuts is that? I've hired trainers and counselors and spent tooooo much money to help her with her issues... because that's what you do for someonething who loves you and depends on you, yes?

And if all of these feelings that I'm having for a funny looking little creature who can't talk but runs to lick away my tears as soon as one falls to my cheek are even an inkling of what having children is like- I'm a little scared. It's a lot to handle. It's a lot to feel. It's a lot to think about and pray for. BUT- the love- the moments of nuggling and laughing and reuniting and connecting are so fulfilling.

***If you think I'm trying to win a crazy-dog-lady contest. I'm not. But if you know of any feel free to submit this essay***